jesus christ it has been some time. oh god ... went to switzerland, greece, saw an online friend (dylan) for the first time ever!!, now job-free (and happily), inner healing (ewww cringe! /j), got some piercings (two nose piercings!), dressing more authentically, started volunteering at the library, going to seattle next month, some posts going 'viral' on twitter, getting back into tarot reading-- oh my!!!! too much to go over!
i'll just say despite this weird aimless time in my life due to being jobless, i definitely feel... freer! happier than i used to. mainly because my job was FUCKING ass. it paid well but at what cost. and in general i'm trying to 'honor myself' more... not to be a weird hippy dippy tarot astrology girl, but it's time to let my inner child free. and i need to learn to stop ignoring my body. like, i will actively feel overstimulated, panicked, anxious, and just. keep going until i blow up LOL. not even for any particular reason. i wonder if someone taught me to do that or if that's a 'girl with ADHD too used to masking' thing...? (do ADHD ppl mask? i'm not autistic)
in lighter news. very pleased some collage thingy went popular on twitter. for so long i was like-- no one wants to see this. its not Art (drawn or painting). but wow... maybe people do! it's supposed to be a graphic I'm going to put text on for my OC (Tatum)'s website. yeah that's.... going slow. (adhd/thyroid brainfog) but that's okay! i am currently doing it on carrd but may move to strawpage because strawpage allows for images to overlap. i just know i dont want to code just yet. ideally it would all be on neocities but that's for... someday. maybe months in the future.
hoping to be on neocities more. creating this website was one of the highlights of my year fr. ohhh yeah and happy halloween! not really feelin' the spirit too much tho!
| listening | parkway drive - carrion |
| watching | yellowjackets (kinda) |
| mood | brainfog and adhd madness - partially due to my hyperthyroidism! i'm so dumb and don't take my meds and then get surprised when i suffer! haha! |
tired of being a fuckup.... adhd really fills me with shame like no other... i just dont remember things... i dont even remember to set reminders... i come back to rotten meat or my car getting towed or a dirty dish left on the table and it's just fucking embarassing . like i tire of being unable to be a Big Adult ... it's setting me back with money... feels like it's setting me back emotionally... and what kills me is that i've tried adhd meds... the stimulants rlly don't fuck with me... maybe now that my anxiety is under control i should try again... but it's so hard to keep trying and it costs money and i'm losing my job soon... i'm just tired man...
| listening | all time low - dear maria |
| watching | frustrated |
| mood | hhhh. |
HAPPY AUGUST... THE HELL MONTH THAT WAS JULY HAS ENDED!!! this month i go on my trip to switzerland and greece ^_^ should be funnn . um. so i've been watching house of the dragon and oh boy. i'm trying not to absolutely lose my shit and slander it - it's a good tv show! amazing production quality! - but alas. it (ASOIAF in general) is a hyperfixation for me and i . really am not liking the choices being made. esp b/c its such a departure from season 1, which was damn near perfect to me.
other news. the olympics. oh wow guys. is this how football fans feel all the time b/c i am absolutely living for the olympics this year. simone biles really is the goat she is a true vision to behold. may need to watch that youtube video 'is gymnastics becoming a black sport?' because sigh! i just adore seeing girls like me up there... doing the damn thing. suni lee, you have my heart. rebecca andrade and flavia saraiva were also amazing competitors!
| listening | sleeping with sirens - if i'm james dean |
| watching | hotd, but also the olympics! |
| mood | okay! nonchalant! |
lowkey getting really tired of saving myself from the pits of despair but here we are. again. had a really bad day.... had to walk it off... everything is just so bad in the world like there is barely anything to look forward to and it's like. why am i still here?
| listening | my site's playlist |
| watching | nothing |
| mood | better after depression |
really sad and tired of things just... not getting better. and i've lost a lot of energy to keep going. which prevents me from making things better for myself.
| listening | my site's playlist |
| watching | nothing |
| mood | depressed |