having adhd and realizing you've gaslit yourself into liking your current friends and life
figuring out to work with my meds has sucked. the accompanying shame has sucked. going through therapists and psychs and scrolling through r/adhdwomen religiously has sucked.
but nothing has sucked as much as realizing how much i hated my life - more accurately, my current circle of friends. i just don't match with a lot of them anymore. not in the ways i used to. or in ways i maybe never did, but tried so hard to. i'm a fully round peg and my social life is a square hole. i just. don't. fit anymore. and that realization has been freeing but it's also been maddening.
mainly because i don't think i want to remove anyone from my life. i still cherish and respect all the laughs, fondness, and companionship i've experienced in the past 5+ years. i feel happy and grateful to have anybody around, people i can call on for help. a lot of people don't.
but man. realizing how incompatible i am with some of my friends, particularly my roommates-- it's been rough. we still hang out and do things together, but every single time, i want to say no. but i feel like i can't-- i have to keep up the ruse that i'm not a completely different girl from last year. because how many times can i say no to game nights, dinner, co-op gaming, and every other attempt to hang out, until they ask, "what's up with you lately?" and then, how can i answer when the reason isn't "i'm tired" or "not in the mood right now." it's "i feel uncomfortable around you and my god you are so boring to listen to and i want to be on an acquaintance level of closeness to you and i think i knew we were too different but i ignored all the red flags because i was desperate for companionship but now i'm kind of done with you"...?
even just typing that out, i feel like i should feel bad. no one forced me into these friendships - au contraire, HAHA, if anything, i was the one who pushed for it! i was the pursuer. (i've always been the pursuer.) i should feel guilt, about wanting to wipe my entire life clean of them. but i don't LOL... i do not even feel what past!me would claim to be a 'tasteful' amount of guilt. i feel damn near none LOL - i feel resentment and anger more than anything. i feel annoyed. i feel trapped.
i don't have anymore guilt or 'empathic' feelings to spare because coming to terms with my neurodivergnce lowkey felt like betrayal! it was kind of earth-shattering! it still is!
when i first got prescribed stimulants, i felt like a parent whose kid had come out as gay or trans or something.
"ADHD? theres no way i have that. i've never done xyz!"
"and i always did well in school!"
"and i'm relatively always on time to events. i just have to get ready about two hours beforehand."
"my room is perpetually messy from depression. not adhd."
"well, everyone forgets where they put their keys. and their wallet. and the pen they were just holding. and important documents. everyday. every time... constantly!"
"i never finish projects i start because i'm just not disciplined enough. i'm lazy."
and now i'm just over the denial. i'm over the thought-policing. i'm over feeling bad and guilty for ... just not being open and palatable to everyone.
i just wish i didn't feel so new-age therapized gen Z about it. ah yes, as soon as people stop serving me, i just toss them aside because those are my BoundAriEs
before i end this post, i wanna say that i'm not like a victim or anything. a healthy person would simply say no to hanging out - which i'll try to do more. a brave person would just tell them what i've typed in this journal entry, altho perhaps a bit more refined and tactful. i fear i've just always hated conflict when i know i'm the problem, or somehow responsible for the issue.
the current plan is ramping down social events and only talking to people intentionally. (fuck discord servers and group chats they're literally the devil LOL.) and then at the end of the year, i'll move cities (back to my hometown, probably) and enjoy having a new start. i'll try to keep in touch but also just. try to stay true to myself more. value what i think and feel more, rather than trying to be everyone's friend.
(i am seeing an ADHD-focused therapist about all this, by the way.)
| listening | TGIF by glorilla |
| playing | a little bit of peak |
| watching | tarot readings on youtube |
| mood | thoughtful . |
... holy fuck
what a year so far, huh.
rather than recapping because there's too much to even say, i'll just talk about my current events lol
career: yikes. just yikes. okay, my job is much more tolerable, if only because i'm used to it. i've basically given up on finding anything new for now, if only because wow! all my options suck. :)
art: definitely progress here :] i have a much better relationship with art rn, although i feel distant from it. :/ better distant that miserable though. i deleted all my social media. maybe ill go back but honestly. its time to create just because. and maybe ramble things on bluesky/tumblr, but under a side acc. its even time to make art ive always been scared to because i am so tired of Discourse lol. my favorite media are dark and tragic and hold nothing back-- thats the art i wanna make too!
social life: ... :( yeah i've just mentally cut off a lot of people. and i'm grateful for it. trying to move cities at the end of the year. scared to live alone but i kinda can't take my current living situation anymore.
health: really been struggling with adhd the first half of the year, but i think i'm finally through it. oh my god. struggling to eat, struggling to find the right dosage and med cocktail . anxiety is gone recently, THANK GOD.
now, time for epic things: i went to dreamcon and it was marvelous. it was so inspiring even tho i was lowkey tweaking on my meds. it, and watching back RDCWorld skits after so many years, makes me wanna believe things can change... that i can make it. i have to at least try, its the least i can do. i think i'm much better nowadays about decluttering my mind, my energy, etc... anything that's not a bill or tangibly effects my life can GO. i can feel the inspired, excitable, creative me trying to claw her way out so bad!! i have to keep trying to let her out.
| listening | nothing really |
| playing | nothing... |
| watching | love island USA season 7. god. and a lot of RDCWorld streams. and a little killing eve! |
| mood | okay...! figuring it out |
what do you do when you're lowkey spiraling but you've already vented about it to your friends a lot and you don't wanna constantly be negative also you don't feel like tweeting it or posting on bluesky about it because its lowkey cringe
you blog about it i guess !!! xD
guys i'm tired. real tired. like just ... i don't even have the worst life ever but it's so fucking stagnant. so nothing. of course, it all goes back to money. i can't get a new job in this market because i'm trying to leave tech but i have no signifant experience in anything else. bad job market makes me feel like moving states and getting a new start is an impossible feat, because i can't just move with no plans for a job in a new area. i want to make more friends but at the library i volunteer at, people aren't in my age bracket. i'm getting more and more socially awkward anyways it's embarassing. idek how to talk to people who aren't already my friends. i kinda hate my living situation right now, not feeling very authetic with my roommate(s). it's hard to go out and do anything because nothing in this godforsaken country is fucking walkable. because i struggle to get out the house, i'm falling back into internet addiction. it's like i'm just fucking stuck. just stale ass energy. even art is not happening well because i'm currently unemployed and struggle to do things if i'm not body doubling, EVEN WITH MY STIMULANTS. (i should try something else ngl but that's a problem for next appointment.)
it's like my life has fucking just STAGNATED for the past year, going on two now since i'm renewing my contract with the job i HATE. (i can quit anytime but I HAVE TO FIND A NEW JOB)
only bright sides? job again = money for a bike, money to pay off the rest of my student loans, money to get my car looked at (so a cross-country drive is more feasible!)
| listening | disney's hercules ost. |
| playing | fields of mistria |
| watching | finished arcane. peak! |
| mood | anxious. spiraling. just fucking tired fucking hopelesssss |
.......................................................... ........................................................... ........................................................... ......................................................... LOL
so trump won. a lot of thoughts. a lot of yelling. a lot of feeling empty, numb, disappointed, ANGRY-- FUCK THE DEMOCRATS. THEY ARE WEAK. SPINELESS. OUT OF TOUCH. I AM NOT CONVINCED THEY AREN'T REPUBLICANS IN DISGUISE. AT THE VERY LEAST, THEY DON'T FUCKING CARE. THEY JUST LAID DOWN AND FUCKING DIED. LET TRUMP AND HIS ILK WALTZ INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. AFTER MONTHS-- YEARS-- OF TELLING US HE IS ENEMY NO. 1. THEY 'CONGRATULATE HIM AND WELCOME HIM INTO THE WHITE HOUSE WITH A SMOOTH TRANSITION'. WHEN A WHOLE FUCKING JANUARY 6 HAPPENED.
FUCKING LOSERS CANNOT RUN A FUCKING CAMPAIGN. WHAT ACTUALLY WERE THE 'PROGRESSIVE' POLICIES EVERYONE SAYS FAILED HARRIS AND CO? HER WANTING TO BUILD THE WALL? DID WE FUCKING FORGET OBAMA? WHICH IS NOW A MASTERCLASSSS IN CAMPAIGNING? THE MAN WAS CHARISMATIC. HE SOLD US ON FUCKING HOPE. CHANGE. HEALTHCARE. GAY MARRIAGE. IF YOU GIVE THE PEOPLE HOPE OF A BETTER LIFE (AND BETTER WALLET) THEY WILL FUCKING VOTE. TRUMP IS A MONSTER BUT HE'S ALSO A CULT OF PERSONALITY THAT (PRETENDS TO BE) ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT. THAT FUCKING APPEALS TO PEOPLE. THEY WANT. MONEY. CHANGE. THEY WANT TO LARP AS PUNK REVOLUTIONARIES AND IT SEEMS RACISM/SEXISM/TRANSPHOBIA/HOMOPHOBIA/XENOPHOBIA - HATE IS HOW THEY'VE CHOSEN TO DO SO. THE DEMS HAD A LAYUP HERE. TRUMP LOST 2020. PRESIDENTS NEVER COME BACK IN NON-CONSECUTIVE TERMS. TRUMP IS A FUCKING IDIOT. THEY HAD THE LAYUP TO PUSH BACK, SHIT TALK, SLAM HIM AS REACTIONARY, POKE SO MANY HOLES-- AND THEY DIDN'T BECAUSE THEY WANT 'CLEAN' CAMPAIGNS.
KAMALA HARRIS. JOE BIDEN. YOU ARE FAILURES. YOU CANNOT EVEN PRETEND TO FUCKING GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR BASE AND THATS WHY THEY ABANDONED YOU. LOST 20 MILLION VOTERS - YEAH THIS ELECTION SURE WAS HISTORIC HAHAHAHAHA
SO YEAH I'M FUCKING ANGRY. YESTERDAY I DID MY ROTTING. DID MY DESPAIRING. BUT NO I JUST FEEL EMPOWERED TODAY.
i need to make art! need to live freely and freer than ever before! i need to makeout with a girl LOL! i need to finish my oc's website.
| listening | war by story of the year |
| playing | fields of mistria. do i like it more than stardew LOL? |
| watching | maybe arcane, soon? |
| mood | feeling alert. (girl who takes her medicine) |
LOL so i did end up getting in the halloween spirit!!! i bought decorations and went out to da clurbbb . x
going on a socmed cleanse. essentially no twitter. no reddit. i'm so fucking sick of the inflammatory abyss i've been swirling in for the past year, now that i'm out of school. like i've just been scrolling mindlessly and like... for what. for a few laughs? i'm not living up to my fullest potential because.... ? i want to be on twitter ? so yeah, gonna block it and delete it off my phone. i'd love to delete more and go basically off the internet, but i admit i have my friends on here...! i have amazing art i want to look at. inspiration to get. so pinterest will stay LOL. not on tumblr like that, honestly, so it can also stay.
idk just. tired of the months going by and i'm not accomplishing the shit i want to ?!?! i know i have adhd, it sets me back... but the internet is not fucking helping LOL.
i don't talk about my tarot much with people (at least, not the stuff that TRULY matters lol). but this year i drew The World. as a general card, big theme of 2024, etc. and the world is the card of ending cycles, reaching completion, travel... i traveled. (and will travel more this month!) it's time to end some of these cycles omfg. i've tried, i rlly have and i'm proud. but there's still more i can do before the year's up...
oh yeah. it's united states election day.
...
well. i have nothing to say on that.
| listening | rose + bruno mars - APT. |
| playing | mouthwashing. daisuke you should be at the club. |
| watching | vox machina (its rlly good. wow) |
| mood | more brainfog and adhd madness - but this time i'm going to win |
jesus christ it has been some time. oh god ... went to switzerland, greece, saw an online friend (dylan) for the first time ever!!, now job-free (and happily), inner healing (ewww cringe! /j), got some piercings (two nose piercings!), dressing more authentically, started volunteering at the library, going to seattle next month, some posts going 'viral' on twitter, getting back into tarot reading-- oh my!!!! too much to go over!
i'll just say despite this weird aimless time in my life due to being jobless, i definitely feel... freer! happier than i used to. mainly because my job was FUCKING ass. it paid well but at what cost. and in general i'm trying to 'honor myself' more... not to be a weird hippy dippy tarot astrology girl, but it's time to let my inner child free. and i need to learn to stop ignoring my body. like, i will actively feel overstimulated, panicked, anxious, and just. keep going until i blow up LOL. not even for any particular reason. i wonder if someone taught me to do that or if that's a 'girl with ADHD too used to masking' thing...? (do ADHD ppl mask? i'm not autistic)
in lighter news. very pleased some collage thingy went popular on twitter. for so long i was like-- no one wants to see this. its not Art (drawn or painting). but wow... maybe people do! it's supposed to be a graphic I'm going to put text on for my OC (Tatum)'s website. yeah that's.... going slow. (adhd/thyroid brainfog) but that's okay! i am currently doing it on carrd but may move to strawpage because strawpage allows for images to overlap. i just know i dont want to code just yet. ideally it would all be on neocities but that's for... someday. maybe months in the future.
hoping to be on neocities more. creating this website was one of the highlights of my year fr. ohhh yeah and happy halloween! not really feelin' the spirit too much tho!
| listening | parkway drive - carrion |
| watching | yellowjackets (kinda) |
| mood | brainfog and adhd madness - partially due to my hyperthyroidism! i'm so dumb and don't take my meds and then get surprised when i suffer! haha! |
tired of being a fuckup.... adhd really fills me with shame like no other... i just dont remember things... i dont even remember to set reminders... i come back to rotten meat or my car getting towed or a dirty dish left on the table and it's just fucking embarassing . like i tire of being unable to be a Big Adult ... it's setting me back with money... feels like it's setting me back emotionally... and what kills me is that i've tried adhd meds... the stimulants rlly don't fuck with me... maybe now that my anxiety is under control i should try again... but it's so hard to keep trying and it costs money and i'm losing my job soon... i'm just tired man...
| listening | all time low - dear maria |
| watching | frustrated |
| mood | hhhh. |
HAPPY AUGUST... THE HELL MONTH THAT WAS JULY HAS ENDED!!! this month i go on my trip to switzerland and greece ^_^ should be funnn . um. so i've been watching house of the dragon and oh boy. i'm trying not to absolutely lose my shit and slander it - it's a good tv show! amazing production quality! - but alas. it (ASOIAF in general) is a hyperfixation for me and i . really am not liking the choices being made. esp b/c its such a departure from season 1, which was damn near perfect to me.
other news. the olympics. oh wow guys. is this how football fans feel all the time b/c i am absolutely living for the olympics this year. simone biles really is the goat she is a true vision to behold. may need to watch that youtube video 'is gymnastics becoming a black sport?' because sigh! i just adore seeing girls like me up there... doing the damn thing. suni lee, you have my heart. rebecca andrade and flavia saraiva were also amazing competitors!
| listening | sleeping with sirens - if i'm james dean |
| watching | hotd, but also the olympics! |
| mood | okay! nonchalant! |
lowkey getting really tired of saving myself from the pits of despair but here we are. again. had a really bad day.... had to walk it off... everything is just so bad in the world like there is barely anything to look forward to and it's like. why am i still here?
| listening | my site's playlist |
| watching | nothing |
| mood | better after depression |
really sad and tired of things just... not getting better. and i've lost a lot of energy to keep going. which prevents me from making things better for myself.
| listening | my site's playlist |
| watching | nothing |
| mood | depressed |